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Kể từ đó tôi không đến nữa, chỉ gặp lại anh trong vài cuộc rượu vặt. Anh vẫn kể về con bồ với ánh mắt vô cùng tha thiết pha lẫn ngưỡng mộ. Tuyệt đối trong các câu chuyện, không một lần anh nhắc đến vợ - cái con thiên nga trắng muốt thơm nức nước hoa, đi làm về thấy người ta đang cắm cúi trên tranh lập thể, hỏi câu gì hay ho không hỏi, lại đi hỏi một câu rất thiếu tính hội họa: “Cắm cơm chưa?”. Các chị thấy không? Đàn ông là giống phức tạp bỏ mẹ, luôn dùng mọi thủ đoạn lừa lừa cưới một con vợ thật đẹp, để cuối cùng lừa lừa cặp với một con bồ cực xấu. Chỉ vì con xấu xấu nó luôn biết đàn ông cần gì khi đã có vợ đẹp trong nhà.


Hôm nay tôi sẽ kể cho các chị nghe chuyện này, nhất là các chị xấu gái. Các chị nghe xong tôi thề sẽ thấy tâm hồn dào dạt như được con mẹ chủ quán bún ngan vừa trả thừa 15 nghìn. Chuyện như này.
Dạo đó tôi chơi với một ông anh “nghệ sỹ”. Tôi phải cẩn thận bỏ hai chữ đó vào dấu nháy nháy vì biết đâu anh không thích từ này. Nghề nghiệp chính của anh là họa sỹ. Tranh anh chủ yếu vẽ lăng nhăng mấy cái mặt người lộn xuôi chán rồi lộn ngược, hoặc con trâu, con bò xanh xanh, đỏ đỏ mắt không nằm ở đầu mà nằm ở bụng. Cũng có khi anh vẽ mỗi cái mắt nhìn như mắt lợn ngay giữa bức tranh kèm mấy khối lập phương vuông vuông. Tôi nhìn chả hiểu đéo gì. Anh bảo à đấy là vẽ theo trường phái lập thể. Biết trường phái lập thể là gì không? Tôi bảo dạ em chưa có dịp nghiên cứu sâu về trường phái này. Anh giải thích đại khái các hình lập phương nằm cạnh nhau, lộn ngược lộn xuôi sẽ tạo nên một thứ triết lý siêu thực và hổ lốn gì đó lâu rồi tôi quen mẹ mất.
Gặp lần đầu, có cảm giác nếu anh không là một thiên tài thì sẽ là một thằng điên. Tất nhiên như ta thường thấy, ranh giới giữa thiên tài và thằng điên nhiều khi hết sức mong manh và biến ảo.
Mấy lần đầu anh hay rủ oánh phỏm cho vui, tôi không có tiền với lại ghét món này nên chỉ ngồi uống chè bồm, nghe anh nói phét về trường phái lập thể. Một bữa anh bảo ngồi đó nha, tí con bồ anh đến ta làm món gì nhậu chơi. Tôi hơi lấy làm lạ, vì biết anh có vợ con rồi. Vợ anh nghe bảo là phóng viên tờ gì đó, tôi chưa gặp mặt. Nhưng mà kệ cụ anh, nghệ sỹ người ta cần có những nàng thơ, nàng tranh để thăng hoa cảm xúc sáng tạo. Tôi đồ rằng nàng tranh của anh sẽ là một tuyệt mỹ giai nhân nên nán lại chiêm ngưỡng phát. Gì chứ ngắm gái đẹp tôi rất ưng (mỗi khi ngắm xong toàn lẩm bẩm “nó phải lấy người như mình mới xứng đáng”).
Mười phút sau cổng tôn lịch xịch, một thằng nào đó dắt con wave bước vào. Lúc ấy anh đang bôi màu lên bức tranh vẽ dở. Tôi chạy ra ngó ngó thì hóa ra không phải “thằng” mà là một đứa con gái. Tôi xác định không phải đàn ông vì đứa này có ngực, bên trong lót miếng giẻ nhấc nồi và chống đỡ bằng nan hoa xe đạp hay không thì chịu. Nhìn phong thái nó, tôi thò cổ vào bảo anh:
“Anh ơi có đứa nào đến lấy nước gạo!”
Anh chạy ra khép cổng rồi quay vào nói nhỏ:
“Bồ anh đấy, nước gạo cái đéo gì, mày hâm!”
Nghe anh giải thích, tôi há hốc mồm mất 8 giây. Cái đéo gì thế này? Nàng tranh của anh, cảm hứng nghệ thuật của họa sỹ thiên tài trường phái lập thể đây à? Phải tả thế nào bây giờ? Nói chung để cho nhanh và dễ hình dung, các chị cứ liên tưởng đến mấy cô nhà văn xấu giai. Một vẻ xấu hoàn hảo đến từng cen ti mét. Tôi vừa “ngắm” vừa cảm phục thượng đế đã quá mất dạy và xỏ lá khi tạo ra một người đàn bà xấu được như thế.
Tôi rất ít khi có hứng ngồi nói chuyện với gái xấu, nhưng vì nể anh, nên vắt chân uống trà xem tranh như chó xem tát ao. Bồ anh, cái đứa nhìn như Rô vẩu đứng trước kiệt tác vẽ dở, vừa vuốt ve má anh, vừa xuýt xoa nức nở “Ôi ôi, đẹp quá anh ạ! Màu lên đỉnh thật, nhìn rất tình cảm anh ạ! Đẹp đẹp anh ạ!”
Anh gật gù, lim dim mắt tận hưởng những lời khen tặng của người đẹp, lòng rộn rã như nghe tivi thông báo lô vừa nổ 2 nháy.
Con bồ anh xuýt xoa kiệt tác trường phái lập thể xong, quay sang líu ríu hỏi anh ngủ dậy lúc mấy giờ, đêm qua ngủ ngon không, ngủ có mơ thấy em không hay lại mơ xổ sổ kiến thiết miền Bắc? Nhấp ngụm chè bồm, anh lấy cây cọ khua khua loạn xị lên kiệt tác trường phái lập thể, phân tích cái hay, cái đẹp cùng những triết lý bí ẩn gửi gắm trong đó. Thậm chí anh phun cả nước bọt lên mặt bồ những lúc cảm hứng thăng hoa không kiểm soát.
Có cảm giác trước mặt anh là hội đồng thẩm định nghệ thuật chứ không phải con bồ, một đứa xấu điên xấu đảo, mỗi khi cười hở cả mảng lợi thâm xì như miếng tiết bò luộc. Người đẹp của anh mắt mở to, nghe một cách chăm chú như đang mê man trong cõi nghệ thuật siêu hình của thần tượng.
Tôi ngồi một lúc váng cả đầu, đéo biết thực sự chuyện gì đang xảy ra nữa. Đi đái xong, kéo tôi ra sân anh bảo, này này nó ngưỡng mộ anh lắm, mà ngưỡng mộ kể cũng phải, không phải ai cũng có khả năng cảm thụ nghệ thuật tốt như nó đâu. Lúc đấy ngứa mồm quá, tôi định hỏi đèo mẹ sao anh cặp con xấu thế, nhưng sợ anh mất hứng nên thôi.
Chưa kịp hỏi thì anh nói, mày thấy nó xấu đúng không? Tôi bảo vâng xấu, miệng ấy anh hôn được kể cũng tài. Anh bảo nhưng mày ơi, ở bên nó anh mới tìm thấy mình, thấy tài năng mình được ghi nhận. Nói tóm lại là anh được đồng cảm mày hiểu không? Tôi hỏi thế tí nữa đồng cảm xong anh có bố trí làm nháy không, đó là em hỏi thật? Anh bảo thì thì… tất nhiên là có! Cảm xúc thăng hoa lên thì mới làm nháy được chứ, mày hỏi ngu bỏ mẹ!
Ngồi thêm một chút, tôi chào về. Trên đường tưởng tưởng giờ này anh đang làm nháy đây. Cái miệng anh sẽ hôn chùn chụt lên bờ môi vẩu và mảng lợi thâm xì như miếng tiết luộc của người đẹp. Tất cả sẽ được chấm dứt lúc 5 giờ chiều mỗi ngày, trước khi vợ anh chở con ở trường về. Vợ anh, như nhiều phụ nữ đáng yêu khác, đi làm về, mở cửa ra thấy thằng chồng mặc quần đùi hoa đang nhặt rau muống, trong lòng chị trào dâng cảm giác yên tâm.
Một tuần sau ghé nhà anh chơi như thường lệ thì đúng lúc vợ anh về. Tôi phải mất 16 giây mới hoàn hồn khi thấy trước mặt là một nhan sắc rực rỡ và mặn mà. Vừa ngắm trộm, tôi vừa len lén so sánh vợ anh với con bồ anh. Một con vịt xấu xí hở lợi và một con thiên nga trắng muốt thơm nức nước hoa. Tự dưng thấy mọi giá trị về thẩm mỹ và đạo đức đảo lộn hết cả. Tại sao tại sao và tại mần răng?
Thiên nga trắng muốt về, hơi gật đầu chào khách. Vừa dựng xe, mặt lạnh như tiền hỏi bâng quơ.
“Cắm cơm chưa?”
Nghệ sỹ thiên tài trường phái lập thể ậm ừ lí nhí trong cổ “Chưa”. Thiên nga làu bàu “Sao chưa? Làm gì mà chưa cắm cơm?” Họa sỹ bảo “Đang dở tay cho xong bức này…” Đẩy cửa bếp bước vào, thiên nga gắt “Khi nào cũng tranh với chả pháo”. Mở máy giặt ra, thiên nga hét ầm lên “Trời ơi, quần áo ngâm tối qua đến giờ chưa mang ra phơi à?” Họa sỹ đứng dậy đá văng cái ghế nhựa, lầm bầm.
“Điz mẹ chưa phơi thì giờ phơi, có cái đéo gì mà um lên thế?”
Thấy hơi căng, tôi dắt xe chào về. Anh ghé tai nói thông cảm cái nha, con quạ già này thi thoảng lên cơn, kệ nó. Sáng mai đến chơi nha, ta làm ấm trà đàm đạo tranh ảnh cho sướng.
Kể từ đó tôi không đến nữa, chỉ gặp lại anh trong vài cuộc rượu vặt. Anh vẫn kể về con bồ với ánh mắt vô cùng tha thiết pha lẫn ngưỡng mộ. Tuyệt đối trong các câu chuyện, không một lần anh nhắc đến vợ - cái con thiên nga trắng muốt thơm nức nước hoa, đi làm về thấy người ta đang cắm cúi trên tranh lập thể, hỏi câu gì hay ho không hỏi, lại đi hỏi một câu rất thiếu tính hội họa:
“Cắm cơm chưa?”.
Các chị thấy không? Đàn ông là giống phức tạp bỏ mẹ, luôn dùng mọi thủ đoạn lừa lừa cưới một con vợ thật đẹp, để cuối cùng lừa lừa cặp với một con bồ cực xấu. Chỉ vì con xấu xấu nó luôn biết đàn ông cần gì khi đã có vợ đẹp trong nhà.

 

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