Những mảnh ghép rời - Nguyễn Lương Ngọc

Nguyễn Lương Ngọc. Trước khi vào trường VVND, y đã là kỹ sư tốt nghiệp ĐH Cơ điện Thái Nguyên rồi đấy chứ. Sau đó y lên Sông Đà. Sấp bạn Sông Đà lúc ấy rộn ràng lắm, có Dương Kiều Minh, Tạ Duy Anh, Giáng Vân, và cả…Đinh La Thăng (không phải dân văn chương) nữa. Rồi từ Thủy điện Sông Đà, y về theo học nghề viết lách.

Y cao lêu đêu, trán dô má hóp, đít tóp mắt lồi, tóc dài cợp vai, đầu gối củ hành, chân đi thập thững.
Cả đời y đánh cược vào ván bài…thơ. Y đọc của thiên hạ. Y tầm sư học đạo. Y đánh bạn với những ai gần chí hướng. Y viết. Y tranh luận. Y cãi nhau. Y sừng sộ. Ăn thơ. Ngủ thơ. Đi thơ. Nói thơ. Mơ thơ. Y là một tín đồ của một thứ tôn giáo có tên là THƠ.

Bạn bè ngày ấy đều nghèo. Vợ y là cô giáo cấp hai dạy học ở Sơn Tây. Hai vợ chồng có đứa con gái mới bé tẹo. Y là loại vô tích sự, chả giúp gì được cho vợ cho con. Y mặc cảm. Từ Hà Nội về Sơn Tây lúc ấy, cũng giống tất cả các cung đường đất Việt, xe khách thì hiếm mà chậm chuyến và chen chúc, nên y vẫn xe đạp về nhà. Bốn chục cây số chứ có ít đâu. Nhưng làm sao có thể tuần nào cũng về được. Mà về cũng phải có đồng ra đồng vào, chả có quà cho vợ thì thôi, chứ cũng phải có quà đón tay cho con chứ. Đời sống ngặt nghèo, nên y thỉnh thoảng mới dám về.

Ở lại trường, y có thể viết vài bài báo, có thể vẽ đôi bức minh họa bán cho báo chí may ra kiếm được đôi đồng.
Lúc Ngọc tốt nghiệp ra trường, muốn tìm một công việc ổn định tại Hà Nội, nhưng thật khó khăn. Mãi sau, y mới kiếm được một chân hợp đồng cho Tạp chí Mỹ thuật thì phải.

Bạn bè chơi với nhau, cũng đều nghèo cả, chả giúp gì được cho nhau, gặp nhau cũng chẳng nhiều. Lúc ấy, Tết năm 1994 tôi mới lập gia đình. Hai vợ chồng được chia một gian nhà cấp 4. Thỉnh thoảng Ngọc tiện, tụt tạt qua. Chẳng có gì đáng giá đãi bạn, lại vài hạt lạc rang với đôi chén rượu trắng cay xè. Nếu tốt mời thì y ở lại nhâm nhi đôi chén, nhỏ nhẻ bát cơm, thế thôi. Nhớ nhất mỗi lần Ngọc giở đồ nghề hút thuốc lào ra, vợ tôi thể nào cũng kiếm cớ ý tứ ra ngoài sân do không chịu được mùi. Sau này, mỗi khi nhắc về Nguyễn Lương Ngọc, nàng chỉ bảo: “Cái anh hay hút thuốc lào chứ gì!”.

Một hôm mấy anh em rủ rê tụ bạ tại nhà tôi nhân dịp tôi sinh nhật. Sau vài ba chén nâng ly, Ngọc giở quyển sổ và cây bút bi ra ký họa tôi. Lúc sau, y cười cười có vẻ rất bẽn lẽn đưa tặng tôi thay vì quà sinh nhật. Trông bộ dạng y lúc ấy thật trẻ thơ. Chả bù cho những lúc y lên đồng về thơ, trông chả khác gì người ta buộc tội nhau trong các cuộc họp...chi bộ! Cái bức ký họa tưởng nguệch ngoạc mà tài hoa ấy của Ngọc về tôi, đến bây giờ tôi vẫn giữ như một kỷ vật quý.

Hễ gặp Nguyễn Lương Ngọc là chỉ có thơ, không có chuyện gì khác. Nhớ mãi cái lần Ngọc đọc câu thơ “Trong mơ đau thắt ngực”, lúc đó y đưa bàn tay trái lên ôm lấy ngực, mặt vô cùng đau đớn. Ngọc bảo: “Thắt ngực. Phải là thắt ngực. Không thể khác ông ạ”…Ừ, đau thắt ngực là đau có tính vật chất, do chuyển hóa từ cái đau tinh thần mà thành. Chữ ấy khá đấy ông ạ…

Sau đó nghe tin Ngọc đi bộ xuyên Việt với nhà văn Hòa Vang. Rồi sau gần 2 tháng cũng về lại được Hà Nội. Thấy bảo nói là đi bộ chứ cũng có lúc nhẩy xe đò, nhưng cứ phải nói với cánh báo chí truyền thông là đi bộ cả. Vụ ấy để lại nhiều giai thoại. Sau nữa nghe tin Ngọc bị tai nạn. Mà tai nạn do…thơ mới định mệnh làm sao. Cánh nghệ sĩ túm năm tụm bẩy uống rượu cao hứng về thơ, tán tụng thơ, phán xét thơ, buộc tội thơ, tranh nhau độc quyền chân lý về thơ (mà thơ thì làm gì có chân lý)…Chả ai chịu nhường ai. Tức mình, Ngọc bỏ ra về. Phóng xe máy. Thế rồi tự đâm vào gốc cây.

Chữa mãi không khỏi, gia đình đành đưa Ngọc về quê cho bà cô ruột trông nom. Mấy anh em bạn văn chúng tôi lên thăm. Ngọc nằm đó, kềnh càng, phù nề hết cả. Trông thấy bạn, Ngọc ú ớ liên hồi. Mắt nhấp nhánh vui, buồn, tủi, hận…Chả ai hiểu Ngọc nói gì. Chỉ có đứa cháu gái lâu nay vẫn “phiên dịch” cho Ngọc nói rằng chú cháu bảo vẫn nhớ từng người một, không quên một ai. Chúng tôi cứ tếu táo cho Ngọc vui, nhưng trong lòng thì khóc. Ít lâu sau nữa Ngọc đi hẳn…

“Hạc trắng!
Hạc trắng!
Những con đã sinh ra thì đã chết
Những con chưa chết thì chưa sinh ra”…
Bây giờ, mỗi khi nhắm mắt lại vẫn thấy Ngọc đang trợn trừng đọc những câu thơ tầm vóc và khiêu khích ấy…

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