Sáng tác mới của Nguyễn Trang Nhung (Hà Nội)

 

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Tản văn

Cầu nguyện cho những người tôi quen biết hay tình cờ đâu đó lướt qua nhau .Dù cho tâm hồn có trải qua những gì… Cũng cầu mong sớm được thanh thoát như Vô ưu

Anh !

Hôm nay có lẽ là ngày cuối cùng em được gọi anh như 4 năm qua. Là ngày cuối cùng em được dựa vào vai anh, khép nhẹ đôi mi lại để mặc ngoài kia bao gió mưa xối xả .Gốc cây mình ngồi ngày nào giờ đã phủ rêu phong. Em đang ước giá như thời gian cứ dừng lại ở nơi này – Nơi anh đã từng đưa bàn tay ấm áp, sàn sạn lau nước mắt cho em. Nơi mà chúng ta đã buông bỏ biết bao phiền não, bụi bặm, xô bồ để cùng an vui học những bài giáo lý đầu tiên khi bước vào cửa Phật…

Nơi này của 4 năm trước , em thích thú mặc bộ quần áo lam về đây trong một khóa tu an lạc 3 ngày. Là nơi đầu tiên em cúi xuống nhặt cánh hoa Vô ưu và bất giác chạm vào tay anh, chúng ta thoáng bối rối nhìn nhau…mỉm cười. Ở tại nơi này, chúng ta như những chú chim non chăm chú nghe Thầy giảng Pháp, nói về đạo lý ở đời. Chúng ta cũng bật khóc khi Thầy giảng Kinh Vu Lan báo hiếu , cùng truyền nhau ngọn lửa đêm hoa đăng, cùng chia nhau bát cơm chay trong giờ thọ thực …Và sau khóa tu an lạc đó, chúng ta cùng sinh hoạt lớp giáo lý , cùng chia sẻ, động viên nhau tu học.. Em còn nhớ một mùa đông rất lạnh, anh chở em đi phát tặng bánh mỳ và áo ấm cho những người vô gia cư. Dọc đường đi, anh cứ xót xa, liên tục hỏi “ em có lạnh không ?! “ .. Thực sự ở bên anh, em thấy ấm lòng lắm anh ah…!

Chúng ta đã cứ đi bên cạnh nhau như thế dù nắng hay mưa, dù loanh quanh trong nội thành hay cả đến những miền sơn cước, cùng chia nhau những bắp ngô non nóng hổi hay ăn chung miếng cơm lam chấm muối vừng…Những tưởng ngày sau chúng ta sẽ cứ mãi bên nhau như thế …

Rồi một ngày cuối thu , anh đưa em đi dạọ quanh bờ Hồ, cả hai đứa cứ hít hà cái mát lạnh làm tê tê đầu lưỡi. Bàn tay ấm áp của anh vẫn nhẹ nhàng nắm lấy tay em và chậm rãi nói :” Đây là cuốn sách” Đường xưa mây trắng” của Thầy Nhất Hạnh, anh muốn tặng nó cho em. Khi anh đọc xong cuốn này anh đã khóc. Anh đã tìm thấy mình ở trong đó, những khúc mắc bấy lâu anh cũng đã tìm được câu trả lời.. Có lẽ anh sẽ xuất gia, em ạ.. “

Trái tim bé nhỏ của em lúc ấy đau thắt lại. Mối tình này giống như con diều có tiếng sáo trong trẻo ngày nào bỗng dưng bị đứt dây, lao vút khỏi tay em…hụt hẫng, chơ vơ. Bầu trời quanh em như chao đảo, ngật ngưỡng.. Em cố gắng chạy thật xa, xa khỏi anh để bật tung được tiếng nấc nghẹn ngào…Chúng ta xa nhau không phải vì hết yêu, hết thương , cũng không phải vì anh thay lòng hay em đổi dạ, cũng không phải có người thứ ba nào đó chen chân. Mà chỉ vì anh đã chọn rẽ sang một con đường mới, con đường không có em nữa.

Những ngày anh tầm sư học đạo, em cũng giam mình trong bốn bức tường . Em sợ lang thang trên những con đường quen lại thấy hình bóng anh ở đó. Em cũng sợ cái lạnh về mơn trớn những kẽ tay mà hai bàn tay mình phải tự đan vào nhau tìm hơi ấm... Nhưng anh ah, ở cái thành phố nhỏ bé này, có ngõ ngách nào mà chúng ta chưa từng đặt chân đâu .

Ở trong trái tim chứa đầy ký ức này, có góc nào mà không có anh hiện hữu đâu ..

Chưa bao giờ em cảm thấy mình chênh vênh như thế…

“ Rồi em sẽ quen thôi, cuộc đời này vô thường mà. Anh tin em sẽ tìm thấy điều vi diệu khi đọc hết cuốn sách này..”

Em đã bắt đầu đọc như đó là cuốn sách được viết  riêng cho mình… Em nhìn thấy có bóng dáng anh gần gũi bên những người khốn khổ, em nhìn thấy bước chân trần an lạc đi khắp thế gian… Và em hiểu rằng con đường anh chọn không có bóng dáng của em và bàn tay anh đã chọn là nắm lấy tràng hạt thanh tịnh, trang nghiêm chứ không phải nắm lấy bàn tay em đi đến hết cuộc đời…Nhưng em biết anh cũng rất khổ tâm khi anh phải xa cách mẹ cha, anh em và dứt bỏ tình riêng để chọn con đường thoát ta bà khổ. Em tin với tấm lòng quảng ái , anh sẽ tu tập tinh tấn và viên thành Phật đạo.

Ngoài kia, mưa đã thôi rơi…Có đôi chim sẻ trú mưa ngoài hiên đang vỗ vỗ đôi cánh, xoay một vòng rồi nghiêng mình bay vút lên cao, tách làm hai hướng , mải miết bay, quên cả ngoái đầu …

Ngày mai, anh xuống tóc...

gày mai, có người cha già khom lưng ra cửa tiễn chân anh và người mẹ mắt lệ nhòa nhìn con xa cách. Ngày mai, trước bảo tọa, anh sẽ được Thầy làm lễ xuống tóc – nơi mà 4 năm qua chúng ta đã miệt mài học giáo lý. Mái tóc xanh này anh gửi lại cuộc đời còn tâm anh thì nguyện một đời chân tu. Cuộc đời vô thường và cũng ngắn ngủi lắm. Mỗi người xuất hiện trong cuộc đời chúng ta đều là một nhân duyên. Em đang khóc, không phải vì khổ đau nữa mà em nhận ra phải trân quý cuộc đời này hơn, sẽ cho đi nhiều hơn và sẽ luôn an vui trên con đường thiện nguyện . Ở một nơi nào đó, em cũng biết anh đang thầm khích lệ em, phải không anh ?!

 

VÔ ĐỀ

Cuộc sống xô bồ, con lại nhớ mẹ, nhớ cha

Nhớ con đường xưa, nhớ bài ca con hát

Nhớ mái nhà ấm êm và dòng sông ngọt lịm

Trước cửa nhà mình có một giàn hoa...

 

Đã bao mùa ong hút mật đi qua

Chim hót véo von nhìn chuồn chuồn cắn rốn

Trẻ con mình tung tăng bơi lội

Nắc nẻ cười trên ruộng lúa ngô nghê

 

Con thích thú rằng mình sinh ra ở một chốn quê

Nghe mãi lời ru chẳng bao giờ biết chán

Con yêu bác nông dân ngày đêm có chú trâu bầu bạn

Con yêu cánh diều chiều chiều mọng gió no nê

 

Con chán phố phường, con lại nhớ chốn quê

Nơi bon chen , con thấy mình nhỏ bé

Có nỗi đau con cứ chôn vùi lặng lẽ

Bao mệt nhoài, con muốn khóc.. Mẹ ơi !!!

 

Niềm vui nào trên bục giảng hằng ngày

Bụi phấn bay bay điểm tóc cha sớm tối

Bài học đầu tiên : Cha dạy về nguồn cội

Con nhớ như in Cha kể chuyện ông bà

 

Con hạnh phúc rằng con được sinh ra

Bao đời nhà ta cứ nối tay nhau nghề Giáo

Từ thời chiến hay thời bình, Cha vẫn bảo

"Nghề Giáo này là cả một đời tâm huyết của Cha.."

 

Con ước rằng đi khắp chốn bao la

Trọn một vòng, con lại về thời thơ bé

Có niềm đau xoa đi thật khẽ...

Cún con nào say sữa ngủ no nê.

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  107. Leaf
    Bài viết nhẹ nhàng, sâu lắng

    Câu chuyện về người đàn ông đi tu, có thể có thật, có thể không có thật, nhưng trong mỗi con người đều có thể có đôi lần bỏ qua/bỏ lỡ một mối quan hệ quý báu như thế. Ngỡ như là người hiểu mình nhất, người phù hợp nhất nhưng lại không có duyên bên nhau nhất. Vì có lẽ trong đời, để có tìm được một mảnh ghép thực sự không phải chỉ tìm là đủ, mà còn phải cùng mài giũa, cùng níu giữ nhau. Một người muốn buông, vĩnh viễn một người không bao giờ nắm lại được...

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