Nỗi niềm trong phận "Phận cỏ" của Nguyễn Thị Thanh Xuân

Nguyễn Thị Thanh Xuân tham gia in nhiều tập thơ chung trên thi đàn từ năm 2015. Nhưng chỉ mới in riêng hai tập thơ. Đó là tập “Trăng vỡ”, năm 2016 và “ Phận cỏ”, năm 2017; đều do Nhà xuất bản Hội Nhà văn ấn hành.

Người ta vẫn hay dẫn câu  thơ Hàn Mặc Tử “ Người thơ phong vận như thơ…”. Quả thật thơ Nguyễn Thị Thanh Xuân là tiếng thơ của một người kiên nghị, bền bỉ vượt lên nhưng gian khổ bất trắc của đời thường. Người  nữ quân nhân có dung mạo tươi tắn và nụ cười dễ mến không ngờ lại có một cuộc sống tình cảm nhiều nỗi đau và mất mát. Góa bụa sớm. Rồi con lại ra đi trong cảnh huống của ca dao  “ Lá vàng thì ở trên cây, lá xanh rụng xuống…”. Tất cả những  bi kịch của số phận không làm người phụ nữ mảnh mai gục ngã, nhưng nó cũng để lại bao nhiêu hệ lụy  và  trớ trêu mà tác giả đã giãi bày trong những vần thơ in trong “ Trăng vỡ”  cùng với  “Phận cỏ” của mình.

Với hoàn cảnh riêng éo le, nên sẽ không ngạc nhiên, khi trong thơ của Thanh Xuân rất nhiều những trạng thái tâm lí ngổn ngang, những câu thơ đầm nước mắt. Những thẫn thờ, ngẩn ngơ, day dứt, rồi bời, những xốn xang, ngỡ ngàng, khao khát…

Từng  thắt ruột thắt lòng thương con (và cũng cả thương mình nữa) khi

Ba gian nhà vắng tiếng cười

Đau thương con trẻ một đời bơ vơ

( Thương con)

Rồi lại âm thầm khóc con nơi nghĩa trang hay trong ngày giỗ. Ban đầu còn nước mắt tràn. Rồi sau nước mắt  hầu như cũng  đã cạn:

Cạn khô nước mắt những khi một mình

( Giỗ con)

Cuộc sống  dù  nhiều điều đau khổ,  cay đắng, nhưng người góa phụ còn trẻ không dễ buông xuôi.  Chị đã gượng dậy, đã vượt qua những  thương đau, mất mát. Phải sống cho mình và cho người thân, cho cháu con và cho mọi người. Người phụ nữ  đó đã có một thái độ nên có và cần có:

Gượng cười

Nghị lực sống vươn lên

Cay đắng đủ mùi đã nếm

Dẫu trắng tay

Chẳng thể hận đời mình […]

Chậm rãi

Trầm tư

Đối mặt với đời

(Đối mặt)

Không phải ngẫu nhiên mà thơ của Thanh Xuân thường hoài niệm, thường níu kéo, dẫu biết rằng “Bồng bềnh gió níu hương bay/ Níu sao cho được những ngày đã qua” ( Níu). Người thơ hoài niệm những ngày xưa với biết bao niềm xốn xang:

Em về nhặt cánh phượng rơi

Bâng khuâng chợt nhớ một thời chớm yêu

Xốn xang trong dạ bao điều

( Cánh phượng hồng)

Và trong lòng chưa nguội tắt lửa tình, thì vẫn âm thầm ao ước “Ước ao một khoảng trời xanh vuông tròn” ( Ngàn năm vẫn đợi), âm thầm đợi trông, dù biết rằng  thật khó khăn khi  mà  “ Xuân thì đuổi bóng…sắc tàn phai” ( Lối cũ) Và khi “Trái tim bỏng rát cuối chiều/ Lòng ta hóa đá…cánh diều lặng câm” ( Nín lặng từ đây). Cũng đã có những phút giây hò hẹn, những đắm say hạnh phúc:

Cùng nhau tay nắm bàn tay

Hòa cùng trời biển ngất ngây ru tình

( Biển chiều)

Cũng đã có  những xao xuyến khi chạm nhau giữa hội Lim :

Quan họ ơi đậm câu thề

“ Cây đa quán dốc” trời se duyên mình

( Bùa mê)

Nhưng hình như đó cũng chỉ là những phút giây ngắn ngủi của cuộc đời  dài dặc nhiều thăng trầm, vất vả. Để rồi người thơ ấy thổn thức những buồn rầu, trách móc. Những là:

Say ai?

Quên mất câu thề

Đêm buông/nỗi đợi/tái tê/ quặn lòng

( Thẫn thờ)

Vắng anh em héo nụ cười

Bơ vơ giữa chợ, đơn côi, một mình

(Đêm SaPa)

Tơ lòng giăng rối nơi đâu

Để em chết đuối giữa câu thơ tình

( Ngàn năm vẫn đợi)

Vâng, cuộc đời là thế! Nó có không ít những nỗi khổ. Và cũng có những niềm vui. Và không ai chỉ toàn nỗi  khổ, không ai chỉ toàn niềm vui, nếu người ta biết ứng xử  phải chăng và hợp lí.

Trong bài thơ ngắn,  người thơ viết:

Thả thơ vào chén rượu đầy

Nâng lên uống cạn đắng cay muộn sầu

Cố nhân ơi người ở đâu

Đau hồn con chữ nhạt màu men say

( Rượu hòa thơ)

Thả thơ vào rượu chỉ là cách nói.  Còn uống rượu, uống thơ, “uống cạn đắng cay muộn sầu” là một hình ảnh không mới, nhưng cảm động với chính tác giả “ Phận cỏ”. Lại nhớ đến câu thơ trong bài “Tiếng vọng” của nhà thơ Trần Lê Văn. Hi vọng cố nhân của Nguyễn Thị Thanh Xuân nghe được tiếng gọi này, và sẽ có những cảm thông, sẻ chia đúng với tinh thần của người  tri âm, tri kỉ!

Hà Nội, những ngày nóng kỉ lục năm 2019

PGS.TS.Vũ Nho

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